Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Reasons I thought I was pregnant

Ok, so we are about 5 weeks pregnant now, and I think it took 3 positive pregnancy tests for me to really believe it. I'm a so excited to do it all over again. Morning sickness hasn't hit yet, I think that is why I can honestly say that right now. I hope and pray that it doesn't hit, but if it does, we know a lot more going into it this time than last.

So anyway, looking back, I can say that I knew I was pregnant before I got the positive test, here are some of the reasons

My period was over a week late
My boobs, got firmer, not bag of sand like firm, but more like very full water balloony
My uterus felt different
Bloated, but not in a PMS way, more of a "heaviness" around my pubic bone
EMOTIONAL you can ask Phillip for proof. I'd get teary eyed listening to the radio
Ditzy, absent minded, forgetful, whatever you want to call it, I was a true Dory
Pickles and Ice cream actually made sense and sounded good first thing in the morning
I felt a kind of "twinge" in my womb
I had the "implantaion" cramping a couple weeks ago, thinking it was PMS
Sex drive SKY ROCKETED! If you have not been pregnant, there is no way you can begin to fathom a pregnancy orgasm....mmmmmm......
I became very lovey duby on Liam. I wanted to sleep with him, cuddle him, etc.
Finally....I got a positive test. I saw the line, Phillip and Marlene didn't, but the next morning I took another, and it was much darker. I called my neighbor to come over and "check" it for me, she said to wait a week and retest. Yeah right, I did another the next morning and was fully sold on the fact the I was, indeed pregnant.

I took a while to thank God for this baby, and ask him to have his hand on his/her life. And told him that I knew it was him who gave us this, because only he could line something like that up. After that, I had a firm talk with my body, saying "ok, we're pregnant. You have done this before, you are going to do it again. You know the hormones are normal, and you are going to do this without throwing up for 6 months." I like to think it listened. I can only believe it did.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Here we go.....

Ok, so yes, we want another baby, but I wasn't thinking it would happen this quick. Yes, we are pregnant. Yesterday I took a test because I was 13 days late, I knew I saw a very very very faint line. Phillip thought I was crazy. Whatever, so I took one this morning and YES there is as line, it's still faint, but much darker. So yes we are prego.

How this happened you ask? I thought you were going to wait a couple months after the IUD was out. Yes, we were, we were planning on waiting till February to start "trying" also so I could be taking prenatal vitamins for a couple months prior to conception. Well, this is how it happened. My Dr. didn't tell me that if you have sex a day or two before your IUD is taken out, that can get you pregnant. Since sperm is alive up to 5 days in a woman's body, and if the IUD is taken out around those days, and if you happen to be ovulating those days, and if the sperm survive the copper that was in the uterus, and if you happen to be fertile on the days the IUD removal, you CAN get pregnant. Yeah, that's a lot of qualifiers. Well, after looking up my cycle on an "ovulation chart", I put in 35 day long cycle (which mine are) and last day of menstrual cycle. This puts me ovulating on Dec 8th, the very day we had my IUD taken out. Yeah, after that included with the whole thing, I have to say, this is a God thing. There are too many, "ifs" to make this happen.

So that would put us around 3-4 weeks pregnant, due in Septemberish, and according to the Chinese calendar, we will have a girl. We will see. The good thing is, since we are having a homebirth, and we plan on using a lot of hydrotherapy, we are not going to have to worry about laboring in a tub in the winter, in cold water. So thank God for that!

Phillip still doesn't know. I think for dinner tonight, I'm going to make baby back ribs, baby veggies, baby spinach salad with baby bell cheese, and see if he gets the hint and figures it out. Also if ANYONE needs a great April fools gift for their significant other, I will be more than happy to pee on a stick for you!

Wish us Luck!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Fortelesa Declaration - Recommendations from the World Health Organization 1985
These recommendations are taken from a report on Appropriate Technology for Birth published by the World
Health Organization in April 1985, and are known as the Fortelesa Declaration.
The recommendations are based on the principle that each woman has a fundamental right to receive proper
prenatal care; that the woman has a central role in all aspects of this care, including participation in the planning,
carrying out, and evaluation of the care; and that social, emotional and psychological factors are decisive in the
understanding and implementation of proper prenatal care.
» The whole community should be informed about the various procedures in birth care, to enable each woman to
choose the type of birth care she prefers.
» The training of professional midwives or birth attendants should be promoted. Care during normal pregnancy
and birth, and following birth should be the duty of this profession.
» Information about birth practices in hospitals (rates of caesarean section &c) should be given to the public
» There is no justification in any specific geographic region to have more than 10-15% caesarean section births.
» There is no evidence that a caesarean section is required after a previous transverse low segment caesarean
section birth. Vaginal deliveries after caesarean should normally be encouraged wherever emergency surgical
» There is no evidence that routine fetal monitoring during labour has a positive effect on the outcome of
» There is no evidence for pubic shaving or pre-delivery enema.
» Pregnant women should not be put in a lithotomy position during labour or delivery. They should be
encouraged to walk during labour and each woman must freely decide which position to adopt during delivery.
» The systematic use of episiotomy is not justified.
» Birth should not be induced for convenience, and the induction of labour should be reserved for specific
medical indications. No geographic region should have rates of induced labour over 10%.
» The routine administration of analgesic or anaesthetic drugs that are not specifically required to correct or
prevent a complication in delivery should be avoided.
» Artificial early rupture of the membranes, as a routine process, is not scientifically justified.
» The healthy newborn must remain with the mother, wherever both their conditions permit it. No process of
observation of the healthy newborn justifies a separation from the mother.
» The immediate beginning of breastfeeding should be promoted, even before the mother leaves the delivery
» Obstetric care services that have critical attitudes towards technology, and that have adopted an attitude of
respect for the emotional, psychological and social aspects of birth should be identified. Such services should be
encouraged and the processes that have led them to their position must be studied so that they can be used as
models to foster similar attitudes in other centres and to influence obstetrical views nation wide.
» Governments should consider developing regulations to permit the use of new birth technology only after
Sourced from .

Monday, December 21, 2009

Vent on "Birth Day"

Ok, after watching "Birth Day" on Discovery Health I am a little perplexed. The info on it said a look a birth over the past 250 years, and I think it was somewhat that, but QUITE misleading.

For starters, they talk about how in the 1800s homebirth was the only option, and no pain medication was an option. This is true. They then said that when birth moved to the hospital, it gave another option to women (something I am all about). They said that birth has been happening for thousands of years, and that it is not a medicalized "procedure". They then said how the woman is all in control. And how it was a perfect "delivery" (I won't get started on how much I hate that term). All of this is true for the most part and I agree with. But they portrayed something totally different.

1. Yes, home birth was the only option become women back then were (as they are now days) rarely "sick" enough to need medical assistance, and the assistance they got was from women who had been in the birthing business for years and some even had been to over 3000 births with no maternal or infant deaths. That's better than some OBs today, but by FAR better than ANY OB back in their day. When birth moved to the hospital, death, and illness rates went UP. They even talked about how Dr.s didn't wash their hands, and childhood fever spread to laboring women and caused many deaths. This obviously didn't happen at home births because, only one mom was laboring and birthing, not 100s.

2. Yes, birth did move to the hospital and gave another option. Women who were "high" class didn't see it fit to labor the way women did. Kinda like the now day Britney Spears mentality of "too posh to push". They didn't want to be on the same social level as women who were poverty stricken, so they went somewhere more socially fitting. If you don't know much about the history of birth in the hospital and what is "socially fitting", in the 50s and 60s, women were strapped down, gassed, and sent into hallucinations, seizures, and a type of psychosis because of the "pain medication" they used. In my opinion, if one of these "high class" women saw themselves, they would think this is anything but human, which is why we don't do that anymore.

3. Yes, birth has been happening thousands of years and it is not a medical procedure. Yes, complications do arise which every care provider (midwife and OBs) are and should be prepared for. If it is not a "procedure" as this OB stated, why then did he induce with no medical need (which is not FDA approved), attach continuous electronic fetal monitors, break her water, give her an epidural, hold her legs while pushing, and have her hold her breath and beard down, take her baby after he was born away, and then put baby in the nursery to "board"? This seems very medical to me.

4. The nurse said the mom was "in control the whole time". Bolonga! First, she couldn't move, then she was told how and when to push, then her baby was taken away to be weighed and measured and all that, then put in the nursery. Doesn't seem like the control I would want.

5. If you define a perfect delivery as no dead mom or baby, then yes it was perfect. No, the baby didn't have a "non reassuring heart tone", (which by the way has up to a 90% false negative rate, which means that 80% of the time that it says the baby is in "distress", there really is nothing wrong) The mom now has to recover from an epidural, a baby who is most likely sleepy from the epidural (and yes, epidural anesthesia does cross the placenta and it DOES affect the baby, not to mention the Pitocin the baby had to go through)

These are my thoughts, maybe mom's just don't know their options. Maybe they think that this is the best way birth can be in America. So here are my questions, as a mom, would you rather...

have labor induced artificially with all the risks that entails (there is a reason the FDA says DON'T DO IT) or just wait a week or so and go into labor on your own with much less strong contractions, and get all the good feeling hormones in with that (endorphins)?

Have your water broken and deal with a baby head on your cervix, loose that cushion for baby as well, and not have it for the second stage, if it doesn't break on it's own, to help "slide" the baby out, or would you like to keep that handy thing that God made for a reason?

Have an epidural or not have one and see if you can handle it without pain medicine, but at least you would be able to walk around and move and not worry about the baby getting any of the medication?

Push with legs pulled back, stretching perineum more likely to tear, hold breath, bearing down as hard as you can, for most moms it's longer than 4 pushes like this woman had, but for first time moms, it can be up to 4 hrs although most Dr. don't "let" you go more than 3 hrs before a cesarean. Or would you rather, move around, push when it is truly needed, not worry about tear or episiotomy, not hold your breath, and push for what some studies show an average of 10 min, first time moms included?

Have your baby taken away to be weighed and measures, or have that done with you, while he/she is in the bed lying next to you, possibly breastfeeding?

Have your baby put in the nursery, or room in cuddled close to your skin all warm and snuggly?

I know, trust me, me of all people, know that there a NEED for a medicalized birth. There is a need for Pitocin, Epidurals, Cesareans, and everything else. But these are interventions. That means, that the risk of not doing them is too risky than doing them. What would have happened if she waited a week, not needed Pitocin, most likely not needed an epidural, no had her water broken, not had baby taken away?

I'm not saying you have to have a homebirth to have a better birth than this. Your chances are certainly higher, but you have to know your options on what your rights are and what doesn't have to be done to you in the hospital, and what is actually safer, which a lot of times means just waiting, and letting your body do what God made it to do. God doesn't make junk, and this applies to women in childbirth as well. Do you really think he made your pelvis faulty, or your body unable to birth a baby? It made the baby all by itself without a Dr. telling it what to do, don't you think it would make sense that you can birth the baby? Have a caregiver who understands that birth is NORMAL, it's not something a woman needs to be "delivered" from.

I just want people to think. Think about how birth could be. It is beautiful. It is a supernatural thing that Dr.s can't explain but you get to experience. There are ways to even make a cesarean beautiful. A good birth experience doesn't mean you have to go without a healthy baby or healthy mom. They go hand in hand, and if more birth experiences were normalized, I'm SURE we would have healthier babies and moms on MANY levels.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Final Decision on Midwife

Ok, so we have decided on a midwife, her name is Christy Tashjian. She is wonderful. After interviewing around 7 different midwives, we have decided on her for many reasons. I found that the midwives were either very informative, very knowledgeable, and gave you a lot of information. This was great. It seemed to me that I had a better connection with the type of midwife who is more laid back, pro-Doula, and really wanted me to be in control of the birth. There were a few that I had a really hard time choosing between. It turns out that the ones that I didn't choose, but loved, also worked very closely with Christy, so there is a high chance that I will see them in the future. The one that I really loved, agreed that Christy was a perfect fit for me, and that she also works as Christy's assistant midwife during births.

A little background on Christy, she has two kids. Her son was born after a desired natural childbirth, prolonged labor due to his head being asynclitic, and then born by cesarean section. Yeah, sounds a whole lot like us. The second baby, was born at home with a midwife who she still works very closely with. HBAC (home birth after cesarean) is not something scary to her. When she was pregnant, she was more concerned about prolonged labor and getting "stuck" like last time. I can really identify with her on that. In case you were wondering, midwives now days, aren't little old ladies who don't speak english, and bring only a stick to bite on and a knife to put under the bed to "cut the pain". They also don't do voodoo, or witchcraft, and don't ask for hot water every two minutes like you see on old movies. They are trained for normal birth, and trained to support a woman through labor. The are also trained to screen and notice high risk issues that arise and all of them work with OBs as their back up for questions they may have. They don't do cesareans, they don't do IVs (unless positive strep B can't be controlled), they don't give epidurals, but they are all very skilled in hyro-therapy, maybe that is where the hot water comes in? If you have more concerns, look her up online, or ask me.

As far as VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) is concerned. Yes, it is safe. And yes, it is possible. No, you will not explode. There is a chance of uterine rupture, but that varies with the way a caregiver practices. Most OBs are "scared" of this, because it CAN be life threatening in a small percentage of the time. It is less common than other scary situations, like placenta previa, prolapsed cord and so on. When weighing the risks of VBAC compared to repeat cesarean, a mom is 4 times more likely to die with a RC (repeat cesarean), a hysterectomy is 2 times more likely with a RC, a blood transfusion is about 50% more likely, infection is almost 2 times more likely, Infant breathing problems are about 4 times more likely, serious problems with infant breathing are 4 times more likely, plus you couple in the expense, the postpartum depression increase, breastfeeding troubles, longer recovery (6 weeks compared to a few days) plus the fact that you are in a hospital, and have to deal with unwanted people. Also, bonding is severely postponed in a RC. Keep in mind, these so scary uterine ruptures also happen in moms who have never had a cesarean, let alone a baby. One midwife I spoke with has been to over 400 VBACs and never had any uterine rupture. If a mom is induced, or given stimulants such as Pitocin during labor, rupture then becomes a concern. Most Dr. aren't trained in supporting natural childbirth, so in that case, it is best to either find a Dr. who is, or hire a midwife instead or opt for a doula to be at your birth with the OB.

As far as home birth is concerned, it's been studied for years and years and every time proven to be as safe or safer than hospital birth. Interestingly enough, in my situation (HBAC) one study was taken where mom's opting for home birth were 89% of the time successful with a vaginal birth, only 6% needed a hospital transfer (non-emergency). Now, with the hospital study, 65% were successful with a vaginal birth. BIG difference. Otherwise, if you think about it, hospitals are for sick people, and sick people's germs. The rates of cesarean, episiotomy, Pitocin, need for anesthesia, infections, and complications are all higher in hospitals compared to home. We see birth as a natural, normal event, that is no more harder on a mom than digestion, elimination, and so forth, as long as she is HEALTHY. This is important. Exercise, diet, and nutrition are more important than prenatal visits. Yes, prenatals are VERY important, especially when planning a home birth, that should give you an idea of how important the others are. I am not against hospital births for everyone. Some women (high risk) need an OBs care. That is where they should go. If a woman feels "safer" in a hospital, that is where she needs to go. I do also feel that is homebirth was more supported by the medical community, it would be perceived differently by moms, and there fore, more moms would choose it as the safer option.

We also plan having a Doula at the birth for me and Phillip. We have narrowed it down to 2 or 3, but don't need to worry about getting that set in stone till we are actually pregnant. We picked a midwife prior to pregnancy, given the preparation that is suggested before conception. The two Doulas have TONS of experience, one trains Doulas for certification for DONA, she is the one who is going to be facilitating the training I am going to be taking in April. The other is the main spokes person for ICAN (international cesarean awareness network) here in Austin. She deals a lot with VBACs and emotional recovery for past births/experiences. I have very high hopes for both of them, and know I will be in good hands either way. From the midwifery community, it seems there are two of the best of the best out there in what they do.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Going again 2

Ok, so we had our first interview with a midwife. She was nice, but I don't think she is the one for us. She didn't have a lot of experience with VBACs, and I think she was more nervous about it than I was. She had only been to 350 births, and she seemed kinda, combative in a way. She also wasn't very experienced in breastfeeding, and reverted to the "nipple shield" way too early than I would think necessary. Not really what we are looking for.

I have heard from many of the midwives that after having an IUD, it's best to wait a couple months after it is removed to let the uterine lining heal. Makes perfect sense. That means we will probably start trying around Feb. Now, whether or not we have PCOS, can make all the difference in that being the conception month. I hope it is, because I am ready, and I don't want to pick a midwife and go through preconception counseling, and not use her prenatally for 6 months or so. I would like to, if possible, avoid the third trimester in the heat of the summer. That could be bad, although, last time it wasn't too bad. Liam was born on July 30th, and I really wasn't too uncomfortable at the end. Besides the need for the occasional hot bath and foot rub, I was good. Maybe, that will repeat itself. I hope the morning sickness doesn't. That was TERRIBLE. That's the only thing Phillip and I worry about. At least this time, we will know what to do if it happens, and we have more help.

Another interview tomorrow, then two next week. Wish us Luck!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Going again

We have Paragaurd IUD in right now. We have an appointment on the 8th to get it removed and also get our lab work back from blood drawn and our ultrasound. The Dr. says it looks like it may be Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS.) This means, of what I know, you produce more testosterone than normal, and less estrogen, and you don't usually ovulate routinely. This could be very hard getting pregnant. Let me just say, we aren't newly weds anymore if you know what I mean.

Also, it's our second child and there are those who say that "second child syndrome" can be hard on your fertility. Also, we had a Cesarean section last time and that lessens your fertility as well. I also know, that having an IUD can cause some sort of infertility, if this is due to PID, I'm in the clear, but other wise, I have some reason to worry.

We begin interviewing midwives on Monday. There is a total of 3 next week we are going to be meeting with. I want to make sure I am with someone who is going to support me the way I know I need to be supported through giving birth. We already have a back up OB, she is wonderful, very promidwife and pro homebirth. She told me to decide where I feel I would have the most success and birth there. For me, that is at home. For others, I feel if they knew the risks of hospital birth compared to home, they would choose home more, but that's every woman's choice. Sadly, a lot of women are not exposed to that information. Don't get me wrong, there is SURELY a need for hospitals and OBs and every where in between, but for a normal pregnancy, I feel a woman (and studies and countries with better death and morbidity rates agree with me) is better off with the skilled care of a midwife. NO they are not doctors, they are trained in normal pregnancy and birth and how to handle common complications and ALL have back up OBs to go to when they need more info. I want a natural birth, so I want someone there who specializes in the role I need my caregiver to be in.

Ok, so, off that rant. I worry that my husband is not going to be there for me when I need him. I know this is a pointless worry, because our relationship is nowhere as rocky as it was 2 years ago. I also know we are a lot closer to God now and that helps more than anything. Phillip is in a different place now. He's a lot less anxious about everything, and he is very supportive in where I am going with my life. All I can do is leave it up to God and he will direct my path.

If you read this, please pray.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Looking back on our Birth

Some things just don’t seem fair.

Yes, ten fingers and toes are wonderful. Yes, I am still alive, and he is too. But why can’t people understand there is so much more. Everyone around me either doesn’t feel the same way, or does and refuses to show it. I don’t know which make me mourn more. I hurt inside. I still look back, even a year ago and wish things had gone differently. What could I have done different>? Not had my membranes swept? Now been so nervous about “making it before 42 weeks?” Not been so angry at Phillip. Looking back, I see I was hurt long before Liam came along. We were fighting. I was fighting with myself. We were only married 4 months before our whole lives would change. I was finally becoming a woman. It was a fast transition and I see very little in common with that girl now. My stomach turns when I read stories and web pages on post partum depression and c-section recovery and anxiety. I want another chance. Yes, that is part of why I want another baby, but I feel it’s owed to me as a mother now. I feel I should get a second chance. I want to re-do it. I STILL have dreams of giving birth. I see him floating up in the tub, his eyes closed and he opens them and looks at me, I cry. He comes to my chest and nurses. I can feel his warm body against my skin. I feel that he is here, healthy, and I can take on anything. No matter what, I had a baby. He and I did this together. I guided him on his journey down the birth canal. I was there, I was the first one he saw, and he knew who I was. I can feel his fingers, each one on my breast. I cry, Phillip cries. It’s quiet, no one yelling, no one fighting, no one scared, no one nervous. No one I didn’t know. I could see everything going on, and we did it. He is never taken away from me. I hold him and hold him for what seems like hours with out even noticing the water is now cold. He sleeps so soundly. Never cries, never feels scared. I finally get out of the tub and go to the bed, I hold next to me, I know he can feel the familiarity of my heart beat. They weigh him, measure him without ever taking him from my side. He is all that I needed in that moment. I know he is tired and so am I, so we sleep. I feel like I am half awake as every time he turns, I wake and look at my blessing, then gently, we both settle back down in our nest of warmth and love and sleep.

That is what I wanted. That is what I needed.

I didn’t get that. I instead labored, alone. I lay at home, in the tub, in bed, Phillip sleeps, he is more interested in timing the contractions than being with me. Experiencing what I am. Birthing with me. I get out of bed and head down the hall to call Roswitha. Phillip sleeps and doesn’t stir when I get up, moaning with the intensity of the contraction. I call, they say to come in. It’s after 6 in the morning, going on 13 hours now. I’m effaced, but no progress in dilation. “The rest will be easier, it’s just about moving the baby down” No change in the afternoon. No progress. I get in a bath tub that seems smaller than my kitchen sink. Not ideal for relaxing. The contractions take my breath away and being in a small shower doesn’t help. They want me to eat. They want me to pee, they want me to squat, the want to see me “laboring” What do you think I’m doing? I hurt now. Something I am not used to, they have already given me “tinctures” to help me “rest” during contractions. They then give me a shot, that they say “most women only wake slightly at the peak of contractions”. Not me, I was awake the whole time, feeling every squeeze, every ounce of pressure on my abdomen. Jenny is gone (the midwife) more births are taking place at the center, that need attending to. Phillip lays beside me, snoring, and I cry. I look at the clock and it’s now 5:00. 24 hours into it. I feel so alone. Something is wrong. I don’t know what. It shouldn’t be happening like this. I wake Phillip in tears and tell him to get Jenny. She comes in and says, we can either, send you home, break your water or go to the hospital. None of which I wanted, but they wouldn’t let me in the water (the only place I got rest) and the best choice I felt I had was to break my water. We did, and I spent more hours as I had previously, on my elbows and knees, with Jenny and Phillip breast pumping to stimulate oxytocin flow. At this point I draw within myself, just to make it through the contractions and spend the time in between, making sure I’m relaxed enough for the next one that is less than a minute away. Jenny says “I can’t tell when she is contracting” At this point I felt lost, I knew it wasn’t going to happen, no one understood. First off, she wasn’t talking to me, the one doing the work, the one laboring, the one doing everything I can think of to make it happen. Then, she says it in almost in a way, implying that I’m not contracting. Has she ever heard of self-hypnosis? At 7:30, I decide we need to move to our next option, what ever options were left, that were presented to me. Hospital or home. Jenny says she thinks, either he is turned funny or it’s a miss fit. I know there is nothing more I can do. I decide to go to the hospital. I know a cesarean is coming. She gives me a shot similar to Nubain. I feel loopy. I feel out of my body, like I’m in a dream, a bad dream, not even feeling what is going on around me. I can’t feel the contractions as well, and I don’t like that. We go to the hospital, check in, and go up to the room. Jenny comes with and let’s us know to be prepared for a negative reaction from the medical team because we are coming with a midwife. I agree. We get up to the room. They ask me to change into a gown, I don’t want to, I want to be naked to see my body move, and contract. They say it’s “okay”. I have gotten their permission. The nurse examines me, and says I’m 6cm. It’s now past 8. 27 hours into it and only 2 cm further. She rips her hands out of me, and I nearly fly off the table. Jenny is standing beside me and sees me jump, and says “they are used to women having epidurals” The OB comes in and does the same. Same reaction. Did they forget I still have physical and emotional feelings? They put in my IV and burst the vein, then try again. It’s uncomfortable, knowing I am now hooked up to a machine. Then they put the straps on. A way of saying, we need ot see what the machine says, and not you. Again, I’m connected to a machine. The anesthesiologist comes in for the epidural, and says what he is trained. I ask for a walking epidural, they say “they don’t do that”. They keep trying to talk to me in the middle of a contraction. I know the machine doesn’t mind if you interrogate it while it is working, but I do. The epidural goes in, and with in minutes I can’t feel my legs. It had only been 30 minutes before I was working with my body and my baby, going through the process of giving birth, and now, I am not connected to anyting but a bag of fluids, a needle in my spine and a machine that “tells me when and how I’m contracting”. They say I need a Catheter, so I get one, I feel it pinch as it goes in, the nurse is surprised that I felt it. One more thing I am connected to. The OB comes in, and recommends Pitocin. I don’t like the idea, because I have researched it and know it has serious side effects, also, I know that a vaginal birth is out of the option, a cesarean is needed. No one will listed. I want to start off with half the recommended beginning dosage, and she says no, they start with double. I convince her to start with the minimum and she says “fine, do what ever” It was the way she said it that put up every defense I have had against doctors. You don’t know what you are talking about. I know you better than you do. You are just being difficult. You made the mistake of trying natural. I’m supposed to be in change. We are going ot do this my way. I also know that every 15-60 min a nurse should up the dosage, I only labored less than an hour and I can’t even count the number of times that button was pressed to increase the augmentation. I’m scared, when the OB comes in, I say I was a cesarean. She agrees, checks me, unneeded, and I know she is ok with it, because it now gives her ultimate control, and me none. I feel I am being punished by her. The wheel me back, I ask about cord clamping and she answers with something along th line of “of couse we wait” I know it’s alie, she just wants me to shut up. They wheel me back, the anesthesiologist is wonderful. He talks to me, as if I am a person. The other surgeon in the rooms talks to the nurse on the other side of me. I feel like I am in an episode of MASH. I can’t see anything. He doesn’t tie my arms down and I know he can tell I am thankful for that. I am numb now and shaking all over. More than shaking, I can’t control it, it’s more than chills or a quiver, it’s trembles, my arms almost fully lift off the rests periodically. “It’s just a reaction to the anesthetics” I finally see Phillip come in, he is in a gown, cap and mask. He is now looks like one of them. I look at his eyes to distract me, so I can see him. They say they are going to start. I knew the baby would be bigger than average, but when Jenny told htem before, she said around 8 lbs. The OB rollered he eyes, not in a “you don’t know what you are talking about way” But in, “that baby is too big” way. Jenny said, it’s a good thing I didn’t tell her over 9 was what I really expected. I feel them tugging, and pressing. My whole middle body now rocks back and forth, like they are “un-stuffing” me. “all that pushing you were going to do, we are going to do it for you” “Thanks,” is all I can sarcastically think of. The show him for a moment, “Big” “Big Baby” “He’s so big” “really big”. Is that all you can talk about? He is bunched up in a little ball squinting his eyes, due to the transition form dark womb to bright florescent lights shinning in his face. He looks just like Phillip. I tell him and a tears begin to flow. Phillip goes over with them to measure, weigh and stamp. It seems like forever, no one is talking to me. I knew nothing was wrong, but I was no longer a person who participated in the birth of a child. I was suture that needed sewing. I feel more tugging and pressing, and pulling. Finally Phillip comes over with him, wrapped up. He is perfect. I want to hold im on my chest, I can’t laying flat, but I want to fell him next to me, I want him to feel my heart beat to know everything is okay, I’m here as I have been all along. He doesn’t cry when he is held. Thankfully, they let him go back to the room with me as I hold him. When they move my body to and from bed to bed, I feel dead. Like a corpse. The whole process I felt victimized. I know what women mean when they relate it to rape. Gang rape. Liam was the only one who saved me in that moment. Back in the room, Jenny is still there, quickly she unwraps him and puts him on my breast. He nurses. His hands on my chest, fists clinched. They take him away to bathe him. I ask for no soap and they look at me funny. What’s the point? I want everything possible to be familiar to him. They say he has to go to the other room in a separate bed. I ask to hold him skin to skin. They refuse at first, “he’ll get cold” I disagree, so they take his temperature to be sure. Do they know anything? He’s fine, perfectly content for the time being. We go to the other room occasionally the bed hits the walls as they “drive me to the recovery room” We get there, thinking it is over, we can rest, enjoy our family. The new nurse comes in, says how we have to wake him up to feed him, he is born hungry. Bull. What are they teaching them? They say I can’t sleep with him, it’s too risky. Bull. Sadly, she is one of the nicer ones. I feel cords still hanging all out of me. I want them gone, as soon as I feel my legs, I walk. I itch like crazy. “It’s just a reaction to the anesthesia” Now I read that ‘disclaimer’ about possible reactions, no where on there did it talk of the thing I felt. I can see why some women see anesthesia as “heaven”, after all, that’s what the paper says. There is nothing anyone can do. 2-3 different antihistamines later it’s still there under my skin, all over my body, running through my veins. They check my incision, my back, my legs, they put on wraps on my legs to stimulate blood flow, they are hot, add to the itch and again make me feel like my body is inadequate. I hold Liam. They tell me what all medicines are available for pain relief. It’s not the pain, it’s the itch and there is nothing available. We wait it out. Once I walk, The catheter is out. I have to wait for the IV because of the Pitocin for after labor. I am able ot walk, able to pee. Exactly what they wanted, I was on schedule for them. Not a lot of pain, on the outside, I think it was muffled from all that was within. A few of the nurses I only saw once, they were rude, I didn’t use much pain relief, because I didn’t want to be more out of the loop than I already was, besides, ibuprofen was doing plenty. One nurse says “ther is no need to stoic” I guess she read my file and assumed that natural birth was only to prove something. Again, brainwashed medial personnel. I don’t remember Phillip and I talking much. I think we were both exhausted, and I was doped up plenty. At one point a nurse comes in, Donna. She is an LC as well, and says, “you must be exhausted, I read your file, how are you?” It meant the world. She showed me how to breast feed, and to get a good latch, my nipples were bruised from pumping in labor, something Jenny pointed out. Liam latches, feeds, and lets go once done, relaxed and sleeping. We are up every hour or two feeding. They want us to keep track of diapers, poops, pees, and feeding, for how long and what times. Another quiz and regulation we have to pass. The next morning, Donna comes in again, and says, it doesn’t look like you go much sleep. She, I think, was the only one who took the time to read my file and address me accordingly. She was great. The next night, we had another nurse who said, she couldn’t stop us from sleeping with him, but she is required to tell us that we are not supposed to. All the more showing that the reason they do what they do, is because they are trained to do it one way, and without wavering from that way. She helps with breast feeding too, not as good as Donna, but does give me sympathy and a nipple shield. I guess it’s the best she could do. Another nurse comes in later and says they have to do apgar testing. And that means they have to take him away, she says we can come with, and we do. The next time, Phillip is sleeping and they come in at night, when Liam and I are both snuggled finally getting to know each other. The smells, textures, responses, everything. They take him and I don’t go. As soon as they leave, I hear him cry, and I sob. I try to wake Phillip and gets up in his sleep with every last ounce of energy he has to hold me. I feel a small release, but it’s not enough. I feel trapped. Trapped inside myself, trapped in a hospital, trapped in a room, trapped with the same women who hate me, in a place I don’t feel safe. The next day, Friday, we want to leave, we have filled out all the paper work, they say “we are doing everything right to get out of here on time” Another LC comes and gives us an SNS system, with formula. I can’t feed him, there is more blood coming from my nipples than milk. The cool milk feels wonderful on my skin when it hits it as he sucks through the nipple shield. The last nurse, says she doesn’t know if they will discharge Liam because he hadn’t had the vitamin K shot. There was no bruising, no purpose, it’s too late now anyway. And she says that she is concerned that we didn’t to antibiotics in his eyes, just in case either of us have and STD. We didn’t birth vaginally anyway, it wouldn’t matter. Phillip I can tell is pissed, I at this point am getting better at ignoring the thing they can’t control over me. I ask her to talk with the pediatrician, and then the pediatrician comes in and say, “no, everything is fine, he is ready to go” The nurse comes back with a vitamin K shot, ready to give. “We are not giving him the shot” I tell her “I walked all the way down stairs to get this” I didn’t care, she was the least of my worries, UNTIL, I found out the OB wanted my staples out now instead of waiting through the weekend. I had been just over 48 hrs since they went in and I was worried. She was the one taking them out too. I think that is the most nervous I had been the entire time. They come out, I shower again, and pack to go. They won’t let me walk down with my baby. So I am put in a wheel chair. Again, I’m incompetent to do this. Phillip gets the car, I feel Liam one more time and change a diaper. We get packed up and go. Both relieved to be out of there and heading home.

Not what I planned.

I know other women who had cesareans, and they are fine with it. I think they are either lying or denying themselves. Again, I don’t know which makes me more mad.

I know now, it’s okay to feel the way I feel, even if no one else feels it. I know other do though, C/SEC has helped.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I didn't have the birth I wanted.
I didn't have the support I needed.
I was pushed around by the OB, made to feel stupid and incompetent
I was bullied by the nurses
The midwife that was with us, didn't encourage us to try new positions
Phillip wasn't there when and how I needed him
They didn't let me in the tub to labor
The nurse had to check me and then the OB
The OB was treacherous with her exam, it felt like knives coming out of when when she finished
Liam was big
Liam was acynclitic
The talked over me while operating like an episode of MASH
They immediately made me discard everything that comfortable
They made me lie down, flat on my back
They made me sign forms, and gave me hassle about vitamin K and eye ointment
They gave me Pitocin like it was no big deal
They made me scared
The midwife didn't even try to be involved I felt she abandoned me
I was wheeled off to the OR alone
It was cold
I shook terrible like an earthquake
They only held Liam up for a second
He was gone so long
They "allowed" me to not have my hands tied
They "allowed" him to be wheeled back with me
They didn't from the beginning trust my body
THey didn't trust me as a parent
They Gave me no privacy
It hurt when they put the cathader in
It felt as though I was raped
I hated them for what they didn't believe and what they did
I never slept
I hurt all over
I never got to push him out
I never got to give birth
They didn't support me breastfeeding the way I needed
I could have done more
Some believed I was being irresponsible, even though they didn't say it

For all these things, I was angry and hated almost everyone. I hated everyone, I was mad at everyone. I know other women feel this way, or close to it, more severe. I had nightmares for months postpartum. I had dreams of pushing him out and having a "normal birth". As much as it was horrible, it has become a part of my like and who I am. My scar is part of me, and reminds me of where I came from and where I hope to prevent others going. helped me to put the pictures into words of my experience.


How do you get people to understand the importance of the decisions that they are making and how do you get people to stand up for themselves.

We are taught our whole lives, especially as christians, to stand up for what you believe in. Stand up for God, and his name, and his church, and for the scripture....but what about plainly for what is right. When does it come to where people think for themselves and stand up for what is right, even though the ones around them say it is wrong.

This is what I am struggling with. I'm reading the book Pushed by Jennifer Block, and I am seeing some serious similarities between the Doctors she interviews and the Doctors I know some of those close to me go to. These Doctors are in Austin, and are practicing, despite me not wanting to believe it before.

Right now, the topic is on cesarean sections, "sections" as the medical floor calls them. Sections are over 30% in the US, over 33% in Texas. The World Health Organization says the rate should be no more than 15%, and they have data to back that up. Right around the 15% mark, is when you see MUCH MUCH MUCH more maternal morbidity (trauma) and mortality, as well as infant complications, such as breathing, lungs, jaundice, premature, autism, poor suckling, breastfeeding issues, infection, fever, more time in NICU, and the list goes on and on and on. A woman is 4 yes 4 (I would use a larger font to emphasize, but I can't) 4 times more likely to DIE after a "section" than after a vaginal birth. Now these "vaginal" births are the births that you see on TV, the 6 or more tubes and straps connected to a woman laying flat on her back (the worst position beside dangling from feet for childbirth to be in) anesthesia, pitocin, EFM, and more. Now, all of those interventions have risks, think of a "section" compared to a natural physiological birth, with no interventions. NO one can explain the justification of a Dr. in the same city having a CS (Cesarean section) rate over 40% when there are NUMEROUS midwives with lower rates. One even as low as 1.5% (again would use larger font..)

That is outrageous and I think women need to start standing up for themselves saying "don't cut me again". It is a womans right to give birth, not be given a baby. God has designed the human body in such a way that (if you are healthy, not diabetic or toxemic and such) that,

Seriously, what has gone on with us. I thought the feminist movement would still be in effect today, for women to take back their bodies, and their births, and the health of their babies, and make decision with the HELP of a Doctor. Instead of Doctors using fear tactics to get them to give birth when they want.

I get how the more a doctor intervenes in a birth, the less they are likely to lose if they get sued, so yes, I can see how a planned "elective" CS is a hell of a lot safer for them, but what about us. What about those who want to birth, and want to feel every bit of power God has put in them to labor and push a baby out. What if we to breastfeed. What if we want to look back on our births and feel empowered? What if we want to birth at home where we feel safe and where studies show countless times it is safer than a hospital birth. What if we want to avoid episiotomies, infections, "sections", and longer stays in the hospital and more breastfeeding success?

I want this, and I want those around me to want this, and I want them to be informed on all the crap that is going on now days. How do you get someone to understand what is needed and what is not. How?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

CPD (cephalo pelvic disportorion) Scare from Doctors

Liam's birth was particularly hard for me, and I am so tired of hearing people say, well your pelvis was too small. To most women who are told this, is makes them feel like their maker didn't design them correctly to do what they are created to do. Now, if a woman has rickets (virtually unheard of since the 60s or earlier) then that's different.

For me, the main issue with Liam's birth was he was acynclitic. To explain this, a baby normally comes down and out the pelvis and birth canal with the top of his head first and his chin tucked into his chest. Liam, on the other hand, was stuck in my pelvis in a funny position. To give you an idea, it's like he was leaning down listen out the opening of the pelvis with one shoulder up and one down. This is EXTREMELY RARE, but more common with babies who are high in the pelvic opening, maybe with low amniotic fluid, and/or unable to move out of the position he is in because of size, or the mother's immobility. I had a few of these.

There are many different maneuvers a mom can do to help this. Virtually none are available if a woman is not encouraged to move into various positions (not just walking and laying down) or if she is confined to bed. Sadly I am now learning about all of these now. I knew some before we went into labor, but in the heat of it, they are almost all forgotten (the main reason to have adequate labor support such as a Doula). We didn't try any of those maneuvers. Looking back, I don't know if could have done it without intervention anyway. Usually mom's who don't correct the position of the baby, usually push on average of 5 hrs. Yeah, I had no energy for that. If I could change it, I would have gone to the hospital, gotten the epidural, and then napped as long as I wanted (I had plenty of time the way things were going). That is as long as I didn't have the side effects that come with the epidural, not only the ones I did experience, but the others as well.

So here, is the point...Yes, if your pelvis opening is the size of a quarter, then no, that is out of the question, but seeing how that is impossible, then let's consider the facts.
1) In late pregnancy, the LIGAMENTS in the pelvis become more flexible. Not the bones, so those who say, "your pelvis is going to be the same with every baby" are not fully informed. The hormones that stretch the ligaments heighten at the end of pregnancy, so if you are induced, your chances of gaining all the power you body has to help you are smaller. Also, in labor, one can use the "hip squeeze" technique where the tops of the hips are pinched much like a clothespin (not in a painful way, most women find it quite pleasant and relieving of much pressure) to open the bottom part.
2)The baby's head is made to mold. There is a reason God made baby's heads not fully formed till much later in life, even a late term baby's head will mold, even a large baby's head will mold. This takes time. If you are being induced, chances are you are not having contractions that are what you body would have had. Chances are you labor will go faster than what your baby and baby need, and not give enough time for the baby's head to mold properly, or it may (as it often does) cause the baby to be in distress and not tolerate labor well, or cause you uterus (as it often does) to contract in an abnormally strong way.
3)If you are lying down, you are narrowing the opening of your pelvis. If you look at EVERY OTHER MAMMAL and every document of people before medicalized birth, you will see, no one does this, it is rare. When a woman is in a upright position (usually not including a semi-reclined in bed, which still puts pressure on the tail bone, therefore narrowing the opening) like squatting, it opens up the pelvis up to 30% more. Also, this is GREAT for labor pain, especially back pain. To do a little experiment, if you don't believe me, place one hand on your pubic bone, the other on your tail bone. With help, move from lying flat on your back to hands and knees or squatting and see how far apart your hands go. Why not give birth in this position? To answer: it's weird, it's not what you see in movies, it's not the best "view" for Drs. and it requires more support emotionally and physically than most Drs. and midwives do.

There are MANY MANY stories of women being told their pelvises are too small or misshappen and need repeat c-secitons, the later, end up birthing larger babies with larger head circumferences later on. Again, the bones don't change, but everything does, if one is open to it.

It's so sad to me that some Drs now days (not all and including some midwives) don't see the dangers in first time and more hazardous repeat c-sections. Especially compared to a VBAC (sadly some women aren't even told what these are by their Dr.) Vaginal Birth After Cesarean. Not to mention the effects on a baby. Cesarean is NOT safer than a vaginal birth. There are exceptions if your baby is not tolerating labor well, then by all means, that is why we have hospitals and medical intervention, to help in these oh so rare circumstances. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Find out which one is safer, based on FACTS and STUDIES, not your Dr's feelings. Dr's are trained to look for problems in healthy pregnancies. So are some midwives. If you Dr. doesn't offer VBAC or has a VBAC rate of less than 70%, look for another Dr. If you want a normal birth, with the healthiest of outcomes, then make sure you and your Dr. are on the same page. If you are very adamant about staying with your Dr. then hire effective, skilled, labor support of someone who is knowledge on the topic of VBAC and how to increase your success with one.

I don't think midwifery is for everyone. I don't think home birth is either, but especially if you feel you missed out on what you are able to do as a woman, then, get the facts. Opinions you can argue with, facts, no.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A vent from yesterday.

Yesterday, the only option I really had was to put the straps back on the high chair. Not only does Liam HATE them, but he wiggles out of them and screams when he is stuck. Just a recap, I took the straps OFF the highchair because when he has to go pee, he has to go RIGHT THEN, and I can easily swoop him out of the chair onto the potty. and there is no mess. OK, so the straps are back on, and Liam has to potty, I rush to get him out, but he ends up peeing all over the highchair. So now the straps are in the wash along with the chair cushion. Now, if Liam didn't spend 90% of the day (he's a grazer) in his high chair, then it would be a different story. But, that's not the case. I do refuse to put him in a diaper while eating, because that just defeats the purpose of potty training, and getting rid of the hassle of changing diapers. So, I have me the ending decision. NO STRAPS! Of course, I won't leave the room when he is eating in order to not replay what happened yesterday. Whoo...glad I got that off my chest. Better venting here than in Phillip's ear.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Am I PMSing or just flat out crazy.

Ok, this morning, Phillip's alarms went off 5 times. I am a very touchy person. Not only are they alarms going off all the way from 3:00AM to 4:00AM, but one rings to the tune of "head and shoulders knees and toes" (the better of the two) and the other...let's just say I would rather hear a fog horn go off! We talked before and he said he would only set three and only use the more pleasant of the two. This didn't happen. So, when he went to kiss be good-bye, for the first time, I didn't feel nearly as guilty as I had before for my horrendous, fire breathing morning breath.

The day went on, and Liam (thanks to daylight savings) get's up at 7:00. Something I am not used to. Usually it's around 9:30ish. So I roll out of bed and go in to him laughing upon seeing me. No going back to sleep for him. So we get up, potty (no more floor mess thanks to the new potty!) and start breakfast. My sister is getting married so I started to cut down drastically on my carb intake to fit into the dress I bought WAY too soon after I had Liam thinking the weight would just fall off. HAHA! what a joke. So we eat, and then I see it's only 7:30. What am I gonna do all day. I vacuume, then sweep, then mop. Then see it's still before 9. So I dust and pick up the living room. It's only 10 now. I call my mother-in-law who I know helps pass the time, and she doesn't answer. So we play with his toys, he flips through some of his books. I check my email. Phillip wrote me. How sweet, he wishes me a wonderful day and says he can't wait to come home. What a doll. Finally I decide Liam is ready for a nap, I lay him down and no fuss, he grabs his bunny and closes his eyes. I lay down and just as I am dozing, the phone rings, it's the mother-in-law. I can't fall back asleep, so I get up and call her back. The waste some more time doing random things.

Liam wakes and we eat lunch. His new thing is going over to the high chair like he is going to climb in it and frantically signing "eat" with his mouth wide open. So we eat lunch. He does, I eat a couple hard boiled eggs (great snack by the way, good to have on hand, and it's practically guilt free for most diets). I then decide to do a workout video "Core Rythms" It's a latin dance, very upbeat with girls way too skinny, and from the 90s, who speak with a heavy accent while jumping and doing random cardio. I sweat more than I ever have. Phillip said he was going to come home and we would go for a walk. He calls and says "I have work to do, and we can't go." This blew my gasket. I don't know why. I was really looking forward to it, and then it was not only are we not going to do it, but the first day he has the evening off, he works. Yuck. So anywho, we tiff a little, then he gets home. He goes to the bedroom to put his stuff down and I follow him. From the closet as we are about to kiss "hello" we hear a thud and a scream coming from the kitchen. We run out and Liam is red faced and yelling, on the floor. Previously, he was in his highchair. I had taken the straps off because of potty training for easy out of chair onto potty maneuvering (nothing more gross than poop or pee in a chair made for sitting while eating). So that just blows up. I felt completely incompetent as a mother. What the hell was I thinking? I knew this would happen. Liam calmed down and we noticed a strawberry on his head. He's fine, just to reassure anyone, and the straps are back on the chair.

So we fight, Phillip's comments seem less than consoling to either of us. I admitted it was my fault and I can't let it happen again. I feel like I am talking with my parent. "I'm a problem solver, what can we do to ensure this doesn't happen again?" Phillip asks, with what I call his "angry eyes". This sends me further off the edge. First off, he hasn't even been home hardly (especially while Liam was up) for the past 6 weeks. YOu don't do any problem solving around here. BOLOGNA!! So, we yell a little and the I decide to take Liam on the much awaited walk. We get home, and nothing is different. Phillip still working, scowling, and me pissed off still. So it's silent and I say, when you are ready to talk about this, I am, but if you are not ready, it's ok, I can wait. "OK fine, let's talk" (says while I can tell he's rolling his eyes even though I'm not looking at him). Never mind, it's pointless. A few more comments that make me feel even more of a crappy mom, then I decide to make dinner. Liam poops on the floor in the process and then it's "are you sure we are not starting too young?" Seriously, what does he know, he hasn't been here to see the progress, and who in their right mind thinks potty training at any age is going to be mess free. So anyway, we get past that and then dinner, Yummy, eggplant Parmesan lasagna. Wonderful. We eat, fight a little more, and then once we take our first bites, "Oh, my God, this is delicious" The fights done, and we are good.

Liam does NOT care for his straps (or eggplant) and just wants down. After three slices of turkey, he is "all done" as he signs and won't eat any more. So fine, we finish I clean the kitchen and the we talk like we are two adults. The night ends up with us cuddling on the couch watching The Biggest Loser as Liam goes to bed with no fuss. It feels like night and day. I honestly don't see the point in being mad or "acting" mad I should say, so I don't. I ask Phillip, "do you think I'm crazy" "no". "Do you think I'm emotional?" "no". "be honest" "Yes, you are very emotional." With that we laugh and kiss, we still love each other and sadly at this point know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it to piss the other off and to make good again.

Crazy, maybe. PMS? More likely. Reality? Yes, definitely.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Motherhood Secrets NO ONE told me.

Ok, so I'm new at this, even though I have been doing it for 15 months, I still feel I am getting the hang of it. I really wonder sometimes why when you need someone so much to tell you, "no, you're not going crazy, it's just a really sucky time right now" you can't find them anyway. It's always, oh, I'm so sorry, or hang in there, or try ____ (fill in the blank). Why is it as mom's we can't complain? Why is it, we have to always smile or we feel people will judge us. I think if anyone is allowed to have a bad day, it's us. And we should get them as often as we need them. It's time for us moms to team up and help the other ones.

When I was going through postpartum depression/anxiety (PPD). I felt like no one was there. No one. Everyone judged me that I was angry. No one understood that we were having a really crappy time. Everyone wanted me to "get over it". It's a very scary feeling when you feel you can't handle what is going on in your life. You feel more than out of control. It's a type on loneliness often experienced, but never spoken of. A shame over takes you, that you see yourself in such a horrible light. The sad thing is, I was totally unprepared. No one told me that I would feel like I hated my baby. No one told me that I would cry to the point of retching. I have never experienced depression, until then.

I hate when people take the road of, well just pray. Yes, I do believe in prayer. Yes, God does do wonderful things. But when you ignore the physiological things that are going on in your body, that's just stupid. God gave us tylenol, doctors, and crazy meds to help when needed. That is what I needed. I was on Prozac for 6 months, and I felt like I could breathe again. No longer was the fist gripping my insides, no longer did I feel like I was spinning. Pregnancy and childbirth set a slu of different hormones raging and stagnant through my whole body. I was totally off balance. I thank God that he gave me the acceptance of knowing it was okay to ask for help. After 6 months, I started feeling like I felt before I got on them, went to the Doctor, told him what was going on, and then got off of them. I fell completely normal now. The only down fall, I will say, is when I was going through PPD, I had an uncontrollable urge to keep the house as clean as possible. When I told people I vacuumed 3-4 times a week, like clock work, they were shocked. Good thing I didn't tell them about mopping, sweeping, and my bathrooms. So my house is a little messier. Who cares, not us, and that's the thing. There is always going to be dog hair on the rug. Always dishes that need washing, rinsing or putting away. Always, dirty laundry in the laundry room, and much more.

During my labor, I was totally in control of what was going on. When we went to the hospital, I wasn't. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't have been. After wards, I felt the need to control everything possible. I did that, and let me tell you, Phillip and I still have a lot of healing to do.

The reality is. There are times you want to just walk away from a screaming baby (and sometimes you can). You do want to take a time out and maybe not come back for a while. Yes, there are some really hard times, when you have boogers covering you clothes, you baby just pooped out his diaper and is sitting in it screaming, the dog is barking at the front door as someone knocks, the phone is ringing for the thousandth time, it's way past nap time, and all you want to do is cry. Some times it sucks just getting up in the middle of the night to get the crying baby. Sometimes it sucks to get up off the couch to get the phone to order pizza because you are too wipped out to cook. Does this mean you are unhappy or hate you life or family. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. It means, this is a sucky time and you want is someone to tell you that, so you feel a little less alone, and then, have them tell you, they went through it, and it's ok to be mad, or sad, or pissed off at the situation. And that doesn't make you any less of a person, let alone a mother.

Liam Signs

I have been wanting to encourage all new moms to do this for a long time. It so easy to do, has countless benefits.

Liam is 15 months old and has been signing since he was 6 months. These include, Milk, Eat/Food, More, Cheese, Potty, All Done, Water, and a couple others. He does talk, yes as many have worried. It has came in really handy, and I feel we have had less crying fits out of frustration because he has been able to tell me what he wants.

This is how we did it. Since birth, every time he was given a bottle of milk we would sign milk. Every time he sat down to eat solid food, we signed eat. These were the first two got figured out. "Change" was soon to follow when he was dirty/wet. Once he had those down, every time we introduced a new food, we would show the sign while saying it. When he went potty, we signed and said it. It's all about them figuring out that they are able to communicate with more than just cries.

It's that easy. Babies can't talk early on because of something to do with how to make the words with their mouths. But, signs are easy, especially the ones you commonly use.

Good Luck!

Potty Training

Ok, so I thought potty training was going to be pretty difficult. Of course when you go through any mile stone, the scarier the story is, the better and more it's told and the more it is glued to your brain. This goes for pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, teething, potty training and all the others. Tons of people thought I was crazy. They said to start at 2 or 3. They said it is going to take years. Only a couple people said go for it. It was worth a try, worse came to worse, we would go back to diapers.

I want to preface this with, we are not one of those people who do "elimination communication" from birth. We didn't go around holding a bowl under our baby's bottom. If that is what you did, more power to you, we had way too much going on after birth to even think of doing this. I was simply tired of buying (4 $15 boxes a month) diapers, and changing diapers.

We didn't want to stress about it; mainly because we had enough stresses in our house. So I decided to try it out. I didn't want to do the "all or nothing" diaper free all day every day, because I didn't want to clean up that much poop and pee. I knew I would get stressed and agitated and that would rub off on Liam. So I started to try and "catch" only poop. I knew when Liam was pooping, so if I never had to clean a dirty diaper again, and only had to wipe an hiney (by the way a wipe after going in the potty is a MILLION times less gorse) every now and then, I thought that was wonderful. So I started that. I knew when he typically went and I stated putting him on the potty then. I worked! Not only that, but I was catching a couple pees too. So after he went he would crawl around with no dipe for a while. The first week, this only lasted a few hours. After he peed on the floor, I would usually put a dipe on him, just cause I wasn't able to watch him every second (it only takes a second for a baby to start and finish peeing). Then I noticed that every morning he had to pee. Every time he bathed he peed. Every hour or so after drinking he peed. So I occasionally set him on the potty. I worked.

I started to realize he was realizing what that little plastic box was for. Then I stated with the "new mom potty training chant". "Show me your potty, show me, look, look, potty potty, show me!" All this, of course, was said in a very annoying high pitched voice. When I know he has to poop I make grunty noises and he makes them back. He finally figured out what it was I was trying to tell him to do. It's kinda funny, but when I said it, he would do a little baby kegel to try to go. Since we had been doing sign language, we stated to sign "potty" every time he went. Now, like he did with all the other action signs (eat, milk, more) we would ask him, and then he would sign potty, and then go. He is smarter than I thought. I think most kids are, we as moms try to keep our babies babies, and never want them to grow up.

We now, go diaper less all day, usually only one mess or so, which is easy to clean up. And only use diapers at night, and when we go out. I have noticed though, when we are out, I can do the same at the store potty and he goes. I am also sure to put him on the potty as soon as we get home and before we leave.

It has actually been a lot of fun. The first couple days are really good bonding because you follow them around everywhere and play with them constantly in order to get to know their "about to go" signs. You almost get a kind of sixth (or seventh or eighth) sense about it. Kinda like you do when you know they are awake, or when you know they are hungry.

I think it's as stressful as one makes it. Kinda like making your own baby food. If it's too stressful, do it later, or don't do it. Do it only some of the time. I don't think Liam got confused by going back and forth from diaper to potty.

We never got mad when he had an accident. I think if you are about to start potty training, you have to accept a few messes. We did a lot of cheering and praise when he went and he was given a potty treat (frosted mini wheats) when finished.

Phillip calls him "nature boy" because he is usually naked. I think when it gets colder, we will. use pants more often, but for now it's easier this way. I think some company may be a little wierded out by it, but if they would like to take over, sure, go for it.