Mommy Breakdown

If any of you know me, you know that I am one of those open book type of people. I know a lot of moms go through tough moments, and I am definitely included in that group.

This morning, Liam got up at 6:45. He used to get up at 9:30, which seems so heavenly looking back. I'm always exhausted. Making another human being is a lot of work and really does take a toll on a woman's body. So I hear, that if you want a kid to get up later, go in, lay them back down, and keep doing that till it's time to get up. Yeah, that was so emotionally exhausting. All I wanted him to do was go to sleep. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to crawl back in bed, between the cozy covers and close my eyes and go back to non-nauseated dream land. Obviously, this was impossible with a screaming kid in the neighboring room.

I became so frustrated. He kept signing 'potty', so I'd take him in there and he'd just sit on the potty. Just sit there for 15-20 min. That was the last thing I wanted to be doing; sitting on a cold bathroom floor, waiting for a pee pee drizzle. I finally said, "ok, no more, we're going back to bed." He wasn't too keen on that. He screamed, signed 'more potty', but I was too frustrated to bother to wait any longer. I put a pull up back on him, and put him back in bed. Yeah, I tried the, lay back down thing, only , when a kid gets so big, laying back down doesn't always stick, and at Liam's age, if you can get him to lay down, that's progress. We battled this for about an hour. So there he was screaming, I was crying, so I call Phillip.

Through tears I tell him the situation, and he sympathizes wonderfully. He can't do anything of course, but being Friday, he encouraged that the weekend was coming, and that meant mommy sleeps in while daddy and Liam have morning bonding time. It's sad, but I feel I should be able and feel comfortable calling a mom friend, but we (as mom's) have this weird mindset that all other moms but us are perfect, and how dare well let any of them know that we struggle at any given moment with any aspect of our lives.

I seriously doubted that I would get the words I needed from someone else but Phillip. We had a bid discussion about a week ago, during another hormonal fit, that when people say shitty things like "well, what are you going to do when the other one gets here?" or "And you wanted another one" or "You'll have twice as many in a few months" or "And you only have one right now" or "And there's another one coming". YES THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I KNOW I'M PREGNANT, I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE ONE MORE ADDITION TO THE FAMILY AND I AM WELL AWARE OF THE INCREASE IS THINGS TO DO AND TAKE CARE OF WHEN HE/SHE COMES. Seriously, I don't know how to take these comments, usually I just shut up and don't say anything. What are you supposed to say? What do people mean by this? To me, the only way to interpret these things is 1) you have it easy because you only have one right now, so why are you complaining 2)what were you thinking having another 3)You have no idea how hard it's going to be so enjoy this "easy" part now. Yeah, none of those are encouraging or helpful or supportive, so why do people, especially women, moms say them?

Just because you want something, doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I am highly aware that a lot of the parts of motherhood/parenthood are tough, physically, emotionally, etc. That doesn't mean it's not worth while. Why do people think everything is supposed to be easy? Sometimes, things are hard. And they suck, and it seems like there is no end. Why can't women, moms, people in general say, "I know it's hard, and you are doing the best job you can, and that's all that should be required." Sometimes, that all someone needs to hear, not how, your situation is worse, not how their situation is going to get worse, just listen, and acknowledge.

To let everyone know, I finally, after talking to Phillip, went in, got Liam, picked him up, held him close as he turned to jello in my arms, and I cried and cried and told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was as he laid then quietly. We got some cheerios, and he cuddled up next to me and ate them. He did take a nap a couple hours later, and we cuddled in bed, and when we woke up, I think we both felt a lot better.

So to all the moms out there, yes, it's hard, not occasionally, not sometimes, a lot of the time. Maybe most of the time. It's very hard, and it's the hardest thing you might ever do, but hang in there, we all do the best we can and that is enough. Why don't more moms talk about this stuff, we know we all must go through it. Let's start talking.

Pelvimetry

For those who don't know what this is, it's usually a vaginal exam plus external exam that tells you the shape of your pelvis, at least the guesstimated shape. If you are found to have a "smaller than average" pelvis, this does not mean birth will be harder for you because your pelvic ligaments stretch and baby's head molds too, so there is no way of knowing.

I myself was very curious, my midwife doesn't do pelvimentary only because she doesn't see the point, and has concern that if "results" show a "small pelvis" then the mom would be discouraged from birthing, or have doubts. This didn't stop my curiosity. I didn't do a vaginal exam, but did do external palpitations and was amazed. My pelvis is not only normal, or if anything on the larger side because I'm on the larger side, but it was amazing how different positions change the shape of the opening, and the amount it opens. I think the pregnancy insomnia is kicking in, so there I was, laying in bed, on my side with one leg thrown over Phillip and trying to fall asleep. In one Ina May Gaskin book, she talks about putting one hand on your pubic bone and one on tail bone and move around and see how they move. This is usually the widest part of your pelvis, babies rarely (unless transverse) have issues passing through it. The Ischial points are the narrowest and can be felt as you make your way around your pelvis. It was really easy for me to find these points when side lying. I then kept fingers on both those points, which was around the front of each cheek, and move to different birthing positions. I moved from side lying to on my back, the typical position you see women birthing in, knees pulled up, an chin tucked, and I was SHOCKED how extremely narrow the opening got. No wonder moms have trouble so much and no mom without meds chooses this position to birth in, her body usually tells her, "Excuse me, do you want this baby out? If so, you better get off your back and open up!" Then moved to what is known as a labor squat, if you don't know what that is, it's better defined as a "crouch", feet flat, and knees all the way bent to bottom drops. I was then SHOCKED SHOCKED SHOCKED how wide the opening got from one ischial point to the other. If I had to guess, I'd say the difference between one the back and squatting was easily an extra CM or two. How much difference would this make if more women were encouraged to birth in this position. Even with a "walking" dose epidural you can still maneuver into this position. Not to mention, the amount of epsiotomies, vacuum, forceps, and cesarean sections it would eliminate!

I highly recommend women do this, mainly to get to know your body. Yeah it's weird, but the 20 seconds is worth the knowledge you gain. You don't have to let anyone know you did it, as yes, you may get weird looks, but seriously, it's not worth now knowing in my opinion.

Heading towards the Second Trimester.....

We are 11 weeks 2 days, and it has been a ride. I did the acupuncture therapy and that helped a lot for a little while, then it stopped working as well. So, we went ahead and got on Zofran. It's so much better. I still get nauseous and sometimes have a puke episode, but all and all, I think we are through the rough of it. YAY!!!

We had our first prenatal with Christy. It was great, Phillip and her got to meet, and we went over what labs we wanted and didn't want. I think we ended up only getting the CBC to check for iron levels, the others I was pretty confident we didn't need or were unnecessary. We did, get to hear the baby's heart beat!! That was of course the best part! It's in the 160s, very fast, Liam was about the same through out pregnancy too. We also found out the our placenta is high up, so we don't need to worry about placenta Previa (placenta covering the cervix), which is a concern for pregnancies after a cesarean. It would make us have to schedule an elective CS, and home birth would then be out of the question. So that's great news! Also, Christy has a tub we can use, so we don't have to buy one, whooohooo! saves us $145. We only have to buy a liner which is like $30 or so, not too bad.

I did have a consult with my OB about VBAC, and she is wonderful!! I did some research for Austin rates on VBAC and CS, and they are pretty crappy. Well, they suck all together. Austin has a VBAC rate of 1%, that means that only 1% of moms who have a CS, end up birthing vaginally for their next baby. Yeah, it should be around 70% if not more. The CS rate, depends on the hospital, St. David's South is 50% and most of the other ones linger around 30-40%. It should be between 10-15%. Yeah, Austin is not the best city when it comes to childbirth. Anywho, we talked for while, and she is a FULL supporter of VBAC, and she knows Christy, and thinks very highly of her. She told me one visit, "I think you should choose where you feel you will have the most success and birth there". Very encouraging, and no, of course my choice was not the hospital. I have a 1% chance of giving birth in a hospital or I could choose a 90% chance of birthing at home. Not a tough choice for me.

So we are on our way! I'm going to start Red Raspberry Leaf Tea in a couple weeks to get my birthing muscles ready, and upping my protein to prevent pre-eclampsia. Our next appointment is at about 4 weeks from today and by then, hopefully I'll be showing, I have some cute maternity clothes I can't wait to get into! LOL!

Morning sickness

So it hit again!! Not near as bad as last time, Thank you God! Last pregnancy it was horrible, I was on IV fluids at one point and Zofran till about 6 months, that's anti-nausea meds they use for chemo patients. This time, I feel I am at a better place in my life all around. Phillip and I are closer, and are less, "oh my God what did I get into....", and we don't have all the shock of cutting our income in half by me quiting my job, we're used to being broke! LOL!

Seriously though, it was kinda rough this past week, Phillip took off to look after Liam during the day so I could nap and throw up when needed, and he did almost all the cooking, cleaning, and waking up with Liam. He has been wonderful.

Me, I've been feeling crappy. And diet wise, it's been really hard. Random things sound good, and everything else, even the mention of them makes me gag. So, for a few days I ate nothing but chicken tetrazinni, then it was jack in the box breakfast sandwiches, then it was beagles with cream cheese and strawberries, now, it's gotten better.

My Midwife, Christy, who I'm sure your going to get to know if you are keeping up with this, said she had really bad morning sickness with her 1st and with her second, she went to an acupuncturist and that made all the difference. Let me just say, IT DOES!!! I had a 40 min or so session with a woman here in Austin who specializes in fertility, prenatal, labor, and postpartum. She is wonderful, and I thank her so much for what she did.

Really, the Thanks are to God, who designed my body to correct it's self, and all it took were some trained hands to put these tiny tiny pins on those spots that trigger that response. He's so thoughtful when he made our bodies! It didn't hurt at all, as they are tiny tiny tiny needles, and total, I think there were 14 or so around my body. Very relaxing. AND on top of that, I went home, took Liam grocery shopping, came home, ate tacos for dinner with the family, and it's still working! She said it can wear of in 3-5 days, but that's ok, this is a nice break.

I'll go back Wednesday, they have short appointments, and childcare too! I'm still kinda gagalisheous, but that's to be expected. I think I should be out of the crappy 1st trimester symptoms by around week 12 or so, so it's only a couple weeks till then.

New boost for HBAC!!

Ok, so as you know, we are planning a home birth after cesarean (HBAC). Yeah, I had my doubt, even though the studies were all in my favor. Even in a hospital, a woman has a 60-70% chance of success, and that's without a Doula. At home, based on one study, her chances go up to about 90%. Which for most moms, even without a previous cesarean, a midwife sometimes has around a 10% cesarean rate anyway, so it's pretty much the same.

We picked our midwife, and I spoke with a Doula today that we are most likely going to use. She does a lot of work here in Austin with ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network), and she also does home birth doulaing. She is wonderful and has TONS of experiences with HBAC. She said the last one she went to was a mom who birthed a 10lb baby after a previous cesarean, AND SHE WAS ONLY 4'11''!!!! Yeah, me, I'm 5'10'', and I'm built to grow them big. I'm not worried about size.

The other thing that totally shot up my hopes was after talking to my dad. If you don't know, my mom tried for a natural birth with Orion, by oldest brother, the first born. After a long labor, with no progression, she had a cesarean. Her Dr. told her that her pelvis was too small. Much like most moms are told today when they labor with little progression. So, to me, I pictured my mom pushing and pushing, different positions, a bunch of nurses and people there cheering her on, and then finally out of exhaustion, she goes in for a c section.

Well.....as it turns out, that was not the case AT ALL. I asked him, as I have many times, tell me everything you remember. After much probing his memory (as this was 30 years ago) this is what I came up with. My mom went into labor on her own, good sign. Her water broke on it's own. She never pushed, only got to about 7, of what he could remember, and then didn't progress. That could mean a lot of things. I asked what maneuvers they did, and he said a lot of walking. Of course, most moms do a lot of walking. Orion was over 8lbs, not too much bigger than the average baby (despite what anyone tells you, the average weight of newborn at birth is 7-8lb). Most babies turn once upon reaching the pelvis to get a good fit, and then once again one on the perineum, this is what they do to make their way into the world. Some babies that are on the larger than average size, especially with an average woman (mom was about 5'6'' or so) on that first turn, get "stuck". This is usually called acynclitic. The head gets turned funny when trying to rotate and get's stuck in that position. Her water had already broken, so this took away the cushion for him to turn better. They didn't do any lunging, pelvic opening, probably not much hands and knees either, but that was probably the more used of if they did change positions a lot. This is also back in 1980, when Lamaze was used, and not used the way it was designed, so a lot of moms had trouble coping. She didn't do any hydrotherapy, which is the Cadillac of natural pain relief.

Also, to top it off, she was augmented with Pitocin!!! That changes everything!!! He said she started to become preeclamptic (high blood pressure) and the baby started to show signs of distress. Now, let me inform you if you don't know. These are common side effects of Pitocin, let alone, you factor in they were doing this in 1980 when this drug just got out on the market and didn't have all the regulations that it has today. So if a mom is preeclamptic and the baby is in distress, of course you need a cesarean, birth has now become too dangerous to carry on.

With her second, Rayne, she wanted to VBAC, but this was now 1984, when VBAC was NOT done. It was highly discouraged, and "once a cesarean, always a cesarean" was still the loud sounding recommendation. It wasn't till 1990 that this went away and ACOG (American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology) started to say, hey, this is safer, we need to VBAC, not repeat!!! By then, my mom was either on, or had just given birth to her 5th cesarean. I doubt she would even be considered a candidate that early in the VBAC campaign, and with that many cesareans. Also, her Dr. said her pelvis was too small to birth a baby over 5lb. Much what A LOT of women are told, but go on to birth babies vaginally up to 1 lb bigger than the cesarean baby.

So I have tons of hope. We are not going to be induced or augmented. We are going to have a midwife and a Doula, and my knowledge, of identifying and rotating a funky positioned baby. We have multiple maneuvers we will use, including belly dancing maneuvers that are proven to help and help quickly. We are going to rent a huge tub for a water birth, and have our garden tub, and two showers in the house, one with a detachable head for direct relief.

I really did struggle a lot with not knowing what went on, and thinking that I may be doomed to further cesareans but just in denial about it. But that's not it. Looking back, our birth team did the best they could with the knowledge they had. This time, I'm going to have a birth team with much better knowledge and much better support.

I can't wait!!!

God Don't Make Junk

So you hear preachers say this all the time, but does this translate to the world of childbirth? Yes, absolutely if you ask me or anyone else who understands birth is a normal process and should be treated as much.

Here is my point. There is this almighty God, creator of all. He made the sun rise enough to give plants food, it rains enough so the grass grows, you never see birds begging for bread, he takes care of everything.......SO WHY WOULD HE DESIGN YOU BODY NOT TO BE ABLE TO BIRTH A BABY!?!?!?!??!? This really annoys me, not only because I feel less than supported from most people for VBACing, but because the support I get is "good luck" "I hope you can do it". But it's not like that. God didn't give me a faulty body. He wouldn't do that to anyone he would expect to procreate. I know he has called me to have kids, so I'll do that the way he designed that happens to be the safest and healthiest for me and baby, even after a cesarean.

Women need to, in my opinion, look at birth as a normal event. Yes, have a caregiver there who can look for complications, and most of those complications can be corrected by God given things like diet, position changes, water, relaxation. Sometimes, yes sometimes, there are high risk situations where a mom needs a surgeon and or someone skilled in complications of pregnancy. Then yes, that is why God made Doctors, but first, he made you and your body.

A BABY IS MADE TO BE BORN JUST AS MUCH AS A MOTHER IS MADE TO BIRTH

Baby Names

Ok, so we want to pick a unisex name, but we are having trouble agreeing, and I am having trouble getting past picking a girl name. Here are my suggestions
Girl:
Dawn
Gwendolyn
Adelaide
June

Boy:
Sawyer
Jude

Unisex:
Bailey
Scout
Tristan

Phillip's are

Girl:
Constance
Ivy

Unisex:
Sage


Yeah, I'm doing almost all the work here. I have looked at at least 15 different baby name sights, and also, our book of 5K names and I am burned out.

I know, I know, we have till September, but the way things went last pregnancy, it took us FOREVER to pick a girl name, and then we found out he was a boy and that took us, almost up to our due dateish. So I want to get this done quickly. This is what I have decided, and once Phillip decided to put in his suggestions, things can change. I waiting for the day for him to wake me up and say, "hey babe, let's pick out baby names!" Seeing how that is most likely not going to happen, this is what I have come up with....


Girl:
Dawn Isabella

Boy:
Scout Sawyer

Unisex:
Tristen River