Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I didn't have the birth I wanted.
I didn't have the support I needed.
I was pushed around by the OB, made to feel stupid and incompetent
I was bullied by the nurses
The midwife that was with us, didn't encourage us to try new positions
Phillip wasn't there when and how I needed him
They didn't let me in the tub to labor
The nurse had to check me and then the OB
The OB was treacherous with her exam, it felt like knives coming out of when when she finished
Liam was big
Liam was acynclitic
The talked over me while operating like an episode of MASH
They immediately made me discard everything that comfortable
They made me lie down, flat on my back
They made me sign forms, and gave me hassle about vitamin K and eye ointment
They gave me Pitocin like it was no big deal
They made me scared
The midwife didn't even try to be involved I felt she abandoned me
I was wheeled off to the OR alone
It was cold
I shook terrible like an earthquake
They only held Liam up for a second
He was gone so long
They "allowed" me to not have my hands tied
They "allowed" him to be wheeled back with me
They didn't from the beginning trust my body
THey didn't trust me as a parent
They Gave me no privacy
It hurt when they put the cathader in
It felt as though I was raped
I hated them for what they didn't believe and what they did
I never slept
I hurt all over
I never got to push him out
I never got to give birth
They didn't support me breastfeeding the way I needed
I could have done more
Some believed I was being irresponsible, even though they didn't say it

For all these things, I was angry and hated almost everyone. I hated everyone, I was mad at everyone. I know other women feel this way, or close to it, more severe. I had nightmares for months postpartum. I had dreams of pushing him out and having a "normal birth". As much as it was horrible, it has become a part of my like and who I am. My scar is part of me, and reminds me of where I came from and where I hope to prevent others going. helped me to put the pictures into words of my experience.

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