Monday, November 2, 2009

Motherhood Secrets NO ONE told me.

Ok, so I'm new at this, even though I have been doing it for 15 months, I still feel I am getting the hang of it. I really wonder sometimes why when you need someone so much to tell you, "no, you're not going crazy, it's just a really sucky time right now" you can't find them anyway. It's always, oh, I'm so sorry, or hang in there, or try ____ (fill in the blank). Why is it as mom's we can't complain? Why is it, we have to always smile or we feel people will judge us. I think if anyone is allowed to have a bad day, it's us. And we should get them as often as we need them. It's time for us moms to team up and help the other ones.

When I was going through postpartum depression/anxiety (PPD). I felt like no one was there. No one. Everyone judged me that I was angry. No one understood that we were having a really crappy time. Everyone wanted me to "get over it". It's a very scary feeling when you feel you can't handle what is going on in your life. You feel more than out of control. It's a type on loneliness often experienced, but never spoken of. A shame over takes you, that you see yourself in such a horrible light. The sad thing is, I was totally unprepared. No one told me that I would feel like I hated my baby. No one told me that I would cry to the point of retching. I have never experienced depression, until then.

I hate when people take the road of, well just pray. Yes, I do believe in prayer. Yes, God does do wonderful things. But when you ignore the physiological things that are going on in your body, that's just stupid. God gave us tylenol, doctors, and crazy meds to help when needed. That is what I needed. I was on Prozac for 6 months, and I felt like I could breathe again. No longer was the fist gripping my insides, no longer did I feel like I was spinning. Pregnancy and childbirth set a slu of different hormones raging and stagnant through my whole body. I was totally off balance. I thank God that he gave me the acceptance of knowing it was okay to ask for help. After 6 months, I started feeling like I felt before I got on them, went to the Doctor, told him what was going on, and then got off of them. I fell completely normal now. The only down fall, I will say, is when I was going through PPD, I had an uncontrollable urge to keep the house as clean as possible. When I told people I vacuumed 3-4 times a week, like clock work, they were shocked. Good thing I didn't tell them about mopping, sweeping, and my bathrooms. So my house is a little messier. Who cares, not us, and that's the thing. There is always going to be dog hair on the rug. Always dishes that need washing, rinsing or putting away. Always, dirty laundry in the laundry room, and much more.

During my labor, I was totally in control of what was going on. When we went to the hospital, I wasn't. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't have been. After wards, I felt the need to control everything possible. I did that, and let me tell you, Phillip and I still have a lot of healing to do.

The reality is. There are times you want to just walk away from a screaming baby (and sometimes you can). You do want to take a time out and maybe not come back for a while. Yes, there are some really hard times, when you have boogers covering you clothes, you baby just pooped out his diaper and is sitting in it screaming, the dog is barking at the front door as someone knocks, the phone is ringing for the thousandth time, it's way past nap time, and all you want to do is cry. Some times it sucks just getting up in the middle of the night to get the crying baby. Sometimes it sucks to get up off the couch to get the phone to order pizza because you are too wipped out to cook. Does this mean you are unhappy or hate you life or family. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. It means, this is a sucky time and you want is someone to tell you that, so you feel a little less alone, and then, have them tell you, they went through it, and it's ok to be mad, or sad, or pissed off at the situation. And that doesn't make you any less of a person, let alone a mother.

1 comment:

  1. I hope this blog will become therapy for you - writing has always been that way for me. I have enjoyed these 3 posts and already re-read them! I am thankful for your wisdom! And one day, when our children are having children, maybe they will be able to skip some of the "crazy" parts you and I went through because they are able to read all these little insights and details gained from raising them - what a reward that will be for us! :)